(no subject)

There are nails in my head

There are claws in my heart

There's a hole in my being

That's falling apart

There's a light in my soul

And there's hope in my mind

There's a tiny voice begging

To be left behind

There's a ribcage that's heaving

There's a whole mass of bone

But there really is nothing

I can call my own

There's a path to forgiveness

But it's too hard to tread

And the weight of contrition

Is heavy as lead

So I dance on the ceiling

And I wave with my head

I might as well live life -

I'll so soon be dead.

(no subject)

Hey, well so it has been a while since I've put in an entry here....over a year!!!! Anyways the last year has been good and bad. I've struggled with my eating disorder alot and with my self harm though not nearly as much! Since my last post when I was talking about my trip to Florida I overdosed the day I came home...which didn't work and I just ended up in a day hospital near where I live. The psychotherapist who deals in EDs didn't work...I knew it wouldn't. I was self harming seriously like needing stitches at the hospital up to 3 times a week. I started psychiatric nursing in College last October and it was going great...until te end of the year when things got on top of me and I couldn't take it anymore. I had a breakdown and cut my self really badly a couple times and I hadn't done it in about 5 months before that. My weight has been up and down in the last year. I've been as low as 59kgs and as heavy as 72kgs. Right now I'm at 67kgs(I'm 5"11) and I'm not all that pleases. Maybe if I get to 63kgs I might be a bit happier. At the moment I'm super depressed, I sleep all the time I have no desire to play sport(my fav thing in the world), I hardly ever leave the house and I don't want to see my friends. I binge all the time and its killing me. I need help but couldn't be bothered to get it. I've realised that psychiatric nursing isn't really what I wanted to do. I think I got into it for all the wrong reasons and so I've decided to drop out after completing my 1st year...I still had some exams and placement to make up but my heart just isn't in it anymore. It's killing me because I know its not the right course for me but I feel like evryone will see me as a failure for dropping out. I just don't know what I really want. I'm still younf, I turn 20 next week and since I was 11 or 12 I've been obsessed with self harming and my eating disorder. I just need a time out. My family aren't happy I'm dropping out and aren't all that supportive. They want me to get a degree....and at some point I will but not right now. So thats me for the moment......back soon...maybe x